A NON-SERIOUS RATS! TAX! PARALLEL UNIVERSE • EST. 1998, APPARENTLY
Rats! Tax! — A General Discussion of Our Fees & Concerns
Certified Public Rodents • Small Business. Smaller Hands.
“You have a shoebox. We have an office inside a shoebox.”
★ WELCOME TO THE RATS! TAX! CYBER-BURROW ★
Estimated completion: after tax season (1999)
THESE RATS HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR TAXES
please wait for all three to loadWe understand that prospective clients want to know what it will cost to have their taxes prepared by several rats in a cardigan. This is a reasonable question.
Our fees reflect the complexity of your return, the condition of your records, and whether your shoebox is load-bearing.
Our practice is divided into four highly professional departments:
- Tax Return Preparation
- Looking at the Letter Together
- Shoebox Archaeology
- Whatever Happened on Etsy
Tax Return Preparation
Each return receives the personal attention of a rat with a pencil. A second rat checks the first rat’s work. A third rat stands in the doorway and says, “How’s it coming?” This is our system of internal controls.
| Service | Professional fee |
|---|---|
| One job. One form. A mercifully ordinary year. | 3 brass buttons |
| Freelance income from “a few little things” | We must see the things. |
| A shoebox marked TAXES, containing taxes | Standard rate |
| A shoebox marked TAXES, containing other shoeboxes | Architectural review |
| Opening the envelope you have been moving from room to room | One deep breath |
| “My friend says I can write off my entire personality” | A long, quiet pause |
Payment plans are available. The rats have also been paid in a very nice tin, but that was a one-time arrangement and has created unrealistic expectations.
Representation
Where appropriate, a senior rat will accompany you to the meeting. He will bring a briefcase roughly the size of a ravioli. Please do not comment on the briefcase. It contains his entire professional life.
Our approach is calm, methodical, and supported by a second, smaller briefcase.
Consultation
You may begin your consultation with “This is probably a stupid question.” We have heard this before. The rat will remove his glasses, set them on the desk, and wait patiently for the actual question.
There is no additional charge for saying “sorry” six times. There is also no discount. We are trying to discourage the practice.
About the Rats
We are a small, independent firm serving people who make things, do things, and occasionally forget which account they used to pay for the things.
Our office occupies the space behind the printer. We have been here longer than the printer. Please consult us before replacing the printer.
Our credentials: C.P.R. (Certified Public Rodent), B.A. (Burrow Administration), and a framed certificate that came with the frame.
Terms of Engagement
Upon engaging our services, you agree to provide your records, answer a few questions, and refrain from picking up your accountant by the middle.
Documents must be legible, reasonably organized, and free of soup. We are flexible on the first two.
Frequently Asked Questions
Are you actually several rats?
For administrative purposes, we are one cardigan.
Can I just send you a photo of a pile?
Yes, but the reply will be a photo of a rat looking at a pile.
Can you guarantee a large refund?
We can guarantee that someone very small will take your question very seriously.
Do you use the cloud?
We tried. The documents got wet. We are back in the cabinet.
What if I am three years behind?
Then we begin three years ago. The rat has cleared his afternoon.
Is this the actual Rats! Tax! website?
No. This is an affectionate, fictional alternate-universe mockup. These are imaginary staff, prices, policies, and qualifications. The real humans did not become rats.
Self-Help
Put the papers in one place. Get a glass of water. The papers will still be in the place when you return. This is the beginning of a system.
Technical Issues
This website is best viewed while sitting down. If the page appears old, it is functioning correctly.
For assistance with your printer, please contact someone who has not built their home behind it.
Contact the Burrow
Office hours: Monday–Friday, between the vacuum and the cat.
To request a fictional appointment, open the desk drawer slowly and announce your business. Please allow 2–3 business scurries for a response.
Click here to knock on the desk
Yes?
A tiny light has come on. Someone is putting the kettle on. You can explain the Etsy thing in a minute.
PLEASE SIGN OUR GUESTBOOK!!!
CheddarFan1974: great site. how do i leave
Mom: The letters are very small on my computer. Love Mom
Webmaster: MOM THIS IS A PUBLIC FORUM
Local novelty guestbook. Entries stay on this page until you reload.
OF SEVERAL RATS
BY VERY SMALL HANDS
READY